Time to start using this again...

I never thought I would use this blog again, but I decided I should start writing more while my life crumbles around me...

I don't even know where to begin, so I'm just going to type until I have nothing else to type and hope it all makes sense. I've come to the conclusion that I mentally can't handle relationships, specifically romantic ones (granted I can't handle general ones too much better). I'm too emotionally unstable. I don't like being around people, especially girls. I really want to have friends, a girlfriend, I want what all my "friends" have, but I simply can't. Every relationship I have ever had ended horribly. I always blamed the significant other in question for what happened, but after 4 horribly failed relationships I am clearly the single broken factor.

Last weekend I drove down to Galveston to attend a convention called, oni-con (an anime convention). At first it seemed like a good idea, but I went alone. WORST. IDEA. EVER. I spent the whole weekend alone. When I was at the con all I saw was groups of friends having fun, couples, familes... It really hurt. I spent most of the weekend holed up in my hotel all alone playing computer games on my laptop... needless to say, I will never be doing that again... I did get a cool hat though.

My Best Friend and 100th post

I'm really surprised, this will be my 100th post on this blog. When my friend asked me to make a blog I never thought I would use it as much as I have, and now I'm typing out my 100th blog post, so I decided that I want to make this blog about my best friend, the reason I made this blog in the first place.

I don't remember the exact day that I made my blog. It was some time before my actual first post. I'm positive it was about 2 years ago though. Heather (my best friend) had asked me to make one and post about my day every day for 1 month. I didn't really do to well on that. I did like 8 days in row and than completely forgot. After that Heather and I tried to do other challenges, but each one failed horribly. oh well... At that point I began to use my blog for pretty much anything and everything I felt like posting. I used it to post about my issues with self-harm, to talk about issues that I couldn't talk about with anyone else, poems, or just interesting things in general.


Now I want  to talk about the person who got me to make a blog in the first place...

There is just so much I can say about heather. She is this amazing, wonderful, smart, talented, absolutely beautiful girl and I love having in my life. A year ago, we tried to see what would happen if we tried to have a more romantic relationship.... that didn't go over very well. We stopped talking for about 1 year and that really hurt me a lot. Recently we've been able to be best friends again and I couldn't be happier with that. As much as I will always like her, I would much rather her be my "bestest buddy in the whole wide world" than not have this amazing girl in my life at all.

I know you will see this eventually buddy, so when you do, just know that you really do mean pretty much everything to me. You were the first real friend I ever made, and if it weren't for you I never would have made any of the friends I did. I can't ever day thankyou enough, but hopefully this is close enough.

Death

Lately the thought of suicide has been crossing my mind a lot. I don't really know why. It's different this time. I don't feel extremely depressed or anything. I'm not happy by any means, but I've just been thinking about death, and how apart of me can't wait for it. I've been so scared about my future lately that the thought of killing myself just so I don't have to be scared anymore has been crossing my mind at least twice a day, if not more. I'm not hurting myself either, like I said, I'm not depressed.There is just this part of me that doesn't want to be around anymore. I almost find comfort in the thoughts, it's weird. Usually I want to cry when I think about suicide, but lately thinking about it brings this sense of calmness to me.

I'm 20...

So on Friday, March 29th 2013, I will be 20 years of age. I still can't believe I'm going to be 20. I feel like I haven't done anything real with my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm in my first year of college... I just figured that I would no more or less what I wanted to do by now, but I don't. I'm not doing anything for my birthday either. I don't have school friday, so I'll probably just sit in my room and be anti-social as usual. My parents went on a shopping spree and bought all kinds of toys, so I don't get a birthday present, so you know, that's cool. For my birthday my mom got a car and my dad got a macbook pro. needless to say the past few days haven't been to much fun.

Life

Life- the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, especially metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.

I haven't made a post in a while. So I felt like making one today, only I couldn't think of what to talk about. So I will just talk about what has been on my mind recently. I'm sorry in advance, but this post won't have to much structure. 

I've been pretty distant with most people lately. I don't really feel depressed or anything. I've been trying to busy myself at all times. I have school, homework/studying, work and now I'm tutoring people. When I'm not doing any of those I'm in my room playing video games. I've really gotten into World of Warcraft lately. I went by my high school the other day and said hi to some of my teachers. They all seemed to really enjoy seeing me come by. None of them enjoyed hearing that I wasn't at a tier one college though. I've also been talking to my friend Ashley a lot. I really really like her. Me being the loser that I am though, I can't bring myself to tell her that. For valentines day my college put these little speech bubbles all over the college with really nice compliments on them. The other day I found one on the ground. I started laughing. The bubble said "I really like you.. a lot. Would you go out with me?" I'm trying to work up the courage to give it to her.  

All life is an experiment...
The more experiments you make...
the better.

Confusion

Confusion- to fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake; confound

Today was my last day of classes for my first semester of college. I managed to make A's in all of my classes but English. so I'm very happy with that! A while back I mentioned a girl named Ashley. Sense that last post I've been able to talk to her more. Not a bunch, but more. Today she came up to me and asked me for a hug :D needless to say, that made my day. It kinda sucks that I won't be able to talk to her for about 4 weeks, even though she lives right down the road from me... maybe I'll message her on facebook or something. Other than seeing her today, nothing else really happened, I came to school and took my computers final and played magic the gathering with my friends.

The word for today is confusion. I don't know if I should attempt to ask Ashley out or not. We are not super duper close friends, but I do like her a bit, and I think she might like me. I asked my friend about it a few days ago... he hit me.

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems...
in my opinion...
to characterize our age...

Am I stupid?

Sometimes I think all my high school teachers and my IQ tests are wrong and I'm actually the stupidest dumbass on the planet. I have this old metal suitcase like thing in my closet. It holds things that are MASSIVELY important to me (awards, letters, pictures, etc). Today I found myself sitting down and looking through it. I read all the letters and looking at pictures/drawings in it. Many from my ex Doyna and my other ex Heather. A few from my old friend Angel. When I see these things they make me feel stupid because I don't talk to them anymore, Angel and Heather most importantly. I kinda wish I could try to talk to them again, but I wouldn't know where to begin. I go through these modes where I think that my reasons for not talking to them are stupid, but at the same time I feel like if I do try to talk to them again it would be like throwing my morals and standards out the window... I don't want to do that. One day I will figure it out and will either try to talk to them again... or not. I don't know... I really just want an answer.